Scene One

Ciaran and Ian Cash have obviously upset someone, and are sent to spend the night together in the building hall. Ciaran launches into calling out, surprisingly with no sense of embarrassment. Methinks he has been hanging around psychics and mediums for too long. Having informed us that he is desperate for something to happen, he then fulfils his own prophecy by seemingly hallucinating something approaching the four phantom horsemen, even Ian (presumably fearful of the thought of spending a night with a hysterical parapsychologist) urges him to "calm down, mate". Ciaran insists he has also heard talking and voices, and it is left to the confused cameraman to assume the role of the level-headed skeptic. Ciaran realises he has learnt the wrong script, and decides the best way out is to end the sequence as quickly as possible.

Scene 2

The witness interview (yes there was only one) consisted of a report of someone seeing an old lady when they were by the kitchen, and when they walked the 30 feet or so to the reception, she had gone. I might have been impressed, but my mother is in her 80's and I'm sure she could manage to walk 10 feet out of the door in the time it took me to walk down the corridor. Maybe it was my mother, she isn't dead but then most of the apparent ghosts on Most Haunted aren't either.

And so we move onto the history of the site. Now it may just be me, but isn't the historian missing? This may explain why Ciaran explains to us about the priory that "was here very early on in history". I think you'll find it still is here, down the road and called Birkenhead Priory. Worth a visit if you're ever in the area (god forbid).

Yvie mentions that the weather is atrocious, it's very windy and the doors in the shipbuilding hall are all rattling. Confident Ciaran stresses that he GUARANTEES that they will get door slamming tonight. Oops, perhaps Ciaran shouldn't be given any more scripts, if he's not reading the wrong one he's reading the one marked "door slamming rota" and blabbing the contents.

We Meet the Spirits

David has a go at connecting with the astral plane. He seems to have put the frighteners on Yvies' "slow moving shadows" (sorry, she mentioned them earlier but I was too catatonic to make a note), and they have speeded up considerably and are now zipping about like a workman with a gay sailor behind him. Apparently there are two characters that David is aware of, a female moving up and down the corridor, and a dominant, portly man from the early 19th century.

Moving upstairs to the first floor, and the resident spook isn't quite quick enough to escape and is spotted running by David. "I'm not sure what he's running for or running away from" opines David. Want a hint, I'm sure I could make a stab in the dark? The figure is apparently male, and has a really modern name - Graham. Bet the anglo-saxons would be surprised to learn how fashionable and modern their names are. But maybe David is comparing it with mystical names from before the dawn of time, who knows? Graham apparently hails from the 70's (presumably the 1970's as opposed to the 570's?). He's 35 or 36 years old and died in a car crash, David describes how he can feel the impact of a car hitting him. We can all dream I suppose.

Looks like David might have the wrong script now, as the realisation simultaneously hits David, Yvie and Ciaran that it would be fairly difficult to run someone over on the first floor of an office block. But David worms his way out of it, by describing how the impact catapulted the astral body from the scene of the crash into the first floor office, then via a convoluted description of how the driver hadn't been caught, so the spirit was wandering the (deserted) office trying to tell someone of the injustice (presumably his brain had been catapulted in the opposite direction during the impact, or he wouldn't be wandering an empty building for all eternity waiting for someone to turn up and listen to his story). In a masterstroke, David informs us that the reason the spirit is wandering the building is because he KNEW HIS KILLER!!!!

A Seance

The team attempt to contact the dead. I'm always confused by this bit. David has just gleaned that a man called Graham is wandering the building, looking to finger his killer, and now he is calling out to him to make a sound if he is there. Either David has just made the whole thing up, or he knows damn well that Graham is there, as he's just told us he is. But I guess the public needs proof, and let's face it, if you've been killed by someone who has got away with your murder scott free, there's no better way to correct the injustice than by tapping twice on the table. The spirit makes another desperate bid for freedom, but not quick enough, he is spotted by Yvie. "Did I just see you?" asks Yvie. Maybe he was running off says David sarcastically (I actually have a soft spot for David, hard as that may be to believe, I find his little comments quite endearing).

David then describes how Graham, being a younger ghost, will understand such things as cameras. Presumably when you die you lose the ability to observe anything that is happening on earth, including any advance in technology, which would explain why spirits wander deserted buildings forlornly tapping bits of furniture (which must be quite a parlour trick on the other side if you can't see the furniture you're tapping). Ciaran asks if the spirit is rushing around because that's what he did when he was living, or because he's moving in and out of this plane and that plane. With the look of an adult explaining something very obvious to a small, slightly special child, David explains that Graham is rushing around because he was trying to tell people what had happened, trying to grab people and tell them, but his hands are going right through them (presumably because he can't see them, as people on the other side can't see anything on this side, or they would know what cameras were). In a telling sentence, David says "imagine the frustration if nobody can see you". Ah, the old falling ratings fear.

Then suddenly, a sensible question from Yvie! Why is Graham rushing around when there's no-one here? Get out of that, Wells! "I think he's just got caught, and that's how he moves about". Well that clears that one up then, wish I had that level of depth and insight. It's now Ciaran's turn to act superior, as he explains to Yvie "People have seen dark figures here, and that's him rushing around cos he knows there are still people walking around, whether it's security, or other investigators, or us, so the rushing around is him trying to grab our attention". Someone really needs to explain this script thing to Ciaran - the bits marked psychic bollocks are Davids, the bits marked sceptical cop-out are his - how hard can it be?

It Goes All Dark

The crew now decide to switch to night vision. As if the poor spirit is not having enough of a hard time trying to get around in the light. Although how they are supposed to see moving shadows in pitch black isn't explained, but presumably they will hear the spirits tripping over the various bits of furniture strewn around the floor. The crew leave the spirits to trip and curse, and head over to the shipbuilding hall. The first "astral" David senses is an "older guy" in overalls, who died in the 1980's.

Now I'd like to take a short break here, as I'm getting increasingly concerned that these alleged deaths are getting more and more recent. I hope the team have done their research, living relatives can cause terrible publicity. Unless this is all leading up to an actual live on air death while we watch the "astral" leave the body, and presumably rush round for all eternity banging into furniture while futilely shouting "it was them what did it"

Anyway, back to the plot. Mr Died In The 80's apparently had an accident which removed part of his head. He is apparently wandering about (don't these "astrals" have homes to go to?). On being asked for a description, David describes someone with average height, average weight, average hair, average....... zzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, dozed off with the excitement for a moment. On to the portakabin to search for a likely site off which our half-headless friend may have flung himself in desperation. Ooh, we have a name to go with our Mr Average. Must be good, even David is embarrassed - and it's George. Name of (anecdotally) at least 70% of the ghosts I've ever been told about. Although David does acknowledge this, and says that there is no reason why the spirit couldn't be called George, to the emphatic agreement of Ciaran (oh I give up, he'll be reading Yvie's script next and shouting four letter words and screaming).

Yvie asks the spirit to communicate by tapping. Tap. "I heard a faint tap" she says, unconvincingly. "It was two" states Ciaran in a voice that brooks no disagreement. "Did you fall from a great height" asks Yvie. Thump. Why should anyone be surprised by the thump, presumably replicating the fall in all its glory (although I must state that I couldn't hear anything, but that may be due to a fit of giggles that was consuming me). "I thought I heard 2" states Ciaran the arch skeptic again. Pointless discussion about meaningless sounds follows (sorry, I really am starting to lose the will now). David then enters George (not something I'd expected to see on MH, but then nothing surprises me any more). The shock of being entered by David has apparently pushed George out of his astral body, and he appears on the thermal camera, cleverly doing an impression of a crew member. David tells us that George was a heavy smoker, as he can feel his chest heaving. Not the pressure of having David on top of you then, George? "George, do you need our help?" asks Yvie.

God yes get this bloody medium off me you can almost hear George scream. Yvie then throws a coin, and asks George to throw something back. If I was George, I'd be heaving at least a desk at them by now. Yvie starts to get cross, and tells George if he wants their help, they need his, so if you want to have eternal light and salvation, damn well perform for the cameras or we'll leave you here to rot. Doncha just love TV? Obviously realising the faux-pas, Yvie promises they won't leave without helping George, who must by now be totally confused and willing to put up with eternal damnation just to get rid of the three ring circus.

Part 3 (or 4, does it really matter any more?)

David, Kath, Karl and Yvie gather for a séance to try and glean more information from our frustrated hit and run victim. The desperate spirit makes another brave bid for freedom, only to be spotted. Again, the spirit is asked to perform for its supper by providing a physical sign for the team. Excitement - the table shakes!! Unfortunately completely unseen by the camera. After all, who would think of training a camera on a table when you've just asked a spirit to move it, doesn't make sense to do that does it. Exhausted by the effort, the poor spirit falls back, relieved in the knowledge that he has provided a sign and will now get the help he apparently so desires. "Can you do something else for us?" asks Karl. Karl suddenly appears overcome - "Cor! Cor!" he shouts like an overexcited 1950's schoolboy. "I'm listening Graham, tell me something. Tell David so he can tell us if you can't speak out loud". Something icy cold has just touched Karl on the shoulder!! Presumably the exhausted spirit dropping in a faint at the thought of having to perform again.

Luckily for us David is channelling information from the other side, although he states the info is disjointed. Bit like Graham I suppose. "It was a Cortina that hit him" states David. "Aaaahhhh" sighs Yvie, as if Karl has just produced a fluffy bunny from under his coat. "A brown one" says David. "Aaahhh, bless his heart" sobs Yvie. I'm suddenly overwhelmed by a strange feeling, but it's alright it's just nausea. The table starts moving again, presumably the fluffy bunny is making its own dash for freedom before the crew get peckish. "I think it might have been someone senior in the office" states David. "Was it covered up?" squeals Yvie with mounting excitement. "Well it's someone who's known they've done it and just come back to work." "That's awful" screeches Yvie. Luckily for us, Karl the psychic is ready to enlighten us poor mortals about the gossip from the other side. Apparently when Graham is grabbing people he's trying to tell the people around not to trust the boss as the boss has just killed him. As he is telling us this, Karl is apparently "freezing cold". Mendacity does that to you apparently. David appears less convinced, presumably thoughts of law suits from former Cammell Lairds bosses are flashing through his mind, but he does admit that it could be a possibility, and it appears that it was someone senior who hit him and drove off.

Yvie asks Graham if he worked at Lairds, and to tap once for no (presumably the concept of leading questions does not apply to the astral plane, so we don't have to give them the option of tapping twice for yes). Yvie tries to push the spirit by insisting "you didn't work here, did you? Tap once for no". Presumably she would have shined a light in the spirits eyes to make him talk, but he might have gone to towards it and been lost for ever. David feels he is being pulled towards one of the offices, apparently the one the perpetrator worked in. Hope he's not watching, this could all be rather embarrassing if incorrect, or alternatively solve the mystery of who ran Graham over, and just why did that boss arrive for work that day with a shoe sticking out of his front grille.

Excitement!!! (Not really)

Suddenly all hell breaks loose! Holy **** shouts Karl! Crash! Bang! At the same time as dragging David to the office, Graham has managed to push over a filing cabinet 15 feet away! Take that, MH!! Now will you let me escape my eternal pacing of this empty building? Panic, pandemonium, cameramen tripping over discarded bits of furniture. That's why we leave the lights on, guys. But Health and Safety has no meaning to our intrepid group of ghost botherers.

Ooh, ooh Karl has a conspiracy theory! Let me guess, it was Elvis in a UFO and all the numbers add up to 23!! Oh, sorry, had a flash back then. So what's the great conspiracy Karl? Apparently the boss who killed Graham is also dead, and is trying to cover it up! And it was him who pushed the filing cabinet over, to stop the crew from going into the office!!! Where presumably there is a note pinned to the desk with a dagger saying "it was me, I did it, signed The Boss". David asks Graham if it was him who pushed the cabinet over. Well if it was he's going to be mightily cross that apparently nothing short of a murder will convince them he's there. Would you like to borrow a sharp implement Graham? I'll hold them down if you like. The intrepid team now decide that there must be another spirit present. They haven't even asked each other who pushed the cabinet over, which would have been most normal people's first reaction. Oh. I see.

Yvie accidentally strays into David's script and not only asks the spirit a question, but is psychically given the answer as well. She fixes us with a stare. "This poor man! Some ***** had smashed into him and never came forward, and drove off. That's disgusting!". "This poor man so needs our help". At last!! The poor murdered Graham has been jumping through hoops for hours trying to get you to help him!!

The Team Split Up!!!! (but only for a vigil)

The team split up, with Yvie and Ciaran moving to the ground floor corridor, where Ciaran informs us they are going to break the cynicism of the rest of the team by turning the lights off. Within a matter of seconds, Yvette has spotted a torch beam at the end of the corridor. More impressive are the spooky musical sound effects that accompany it, presumably Graham has now got his synthesiser out in a desperate last bid to attract the team's attention.

Meanwhile, Ian and John attempt to provoke Cortina man.

Back downstairs, Yvette asks the spirits to rattle the cups on a bizarrely placed tea trolley as a sign. Which apparently prompts the throwing of a mug in the offices upstairs.

"Oh, it's a mug" exclaim the upstairs team in somewhat unconvincing surprise. "Is that the friendly Graham?" Well if it is, you've obviously annoyed him beyond the limits of his patience.

Yvie and Ciaran can hear faint tapping on the floor. Presumably the spirits attempting to make their way around in the dark without tripping over any more lockers or dropping any more mugs. Ciaran is now seeing lights on the floor, in the dark. Hopefully the spirits will throw something large and heavy at Ciaran and knock the sense back into him.

Ian and John carry on trying to provoke Cortina man into doing something. Something that would prove the existence of the paranormal forever, like banging a door, yes that would do it. Except he doesn't oblige, prompting the comment "you're not so brave when there's two of us". As opposed to earlier, during the locker toppling incident when there were at least 6 of them. AND HE'S DEAD - what are you going to do to him John?

Great excitement when the two teams meet up - "the killer" threw a cup at Ian and John! In response to Yvie asking it to throw a cup! Yvette squeals "you're joking!!!!" and a nearby colony of bats is startled into flight. Of course they will now prove to us by means of the time stamps on the videos that the two events occurred sequentially. Or maybe they'll just play some spooky music and move to the construction hall.

Back To The Construction Hall

Where Karl and Stuart frighten themselves silly imagining that David has wandered in, a fact that David denies with an air of resigned boredom and a tinge of annoyance. You can't blame him though, after all, everyone appears to have turned psychic tonight, even the parapsychologist! "I've been here ages" huffs David. Presumably for the whole time the rest of the team have been investigating - no wonder he's miffed.

The team head back to the construction hall to help Graham. Who is probably wishing he could die again, seeing as he's stuck in the office building opposite. An object is thrown!! Which is somewhat of a surprise as to the best of my knowledge this has never been reported from this location before. But I believe it has been reported from a startling number of MH shoots. The action becomes a little difficult to follow at this point, as Yvie has shared her 4 letter word script with most of the crew, and the dialogue consists of lots of beeps. Makes about as much sense as the bits without the beeps I suppose. Apparently there was a groan, but presumably not a paranormal one, as David is the only person who didn't hear it. Someone eaten some dodgy rabbit maybe. We are then treated to one of the most sorry displays of hysteria I've seen in a long time. Apparently there are groans, locker doors being banged, footsteps, spirits passing through the team. And it ends. As abruptly as it began. But with less evidence.

Ciaran Sums Up

So onto Ciaran's summing up. Apparently a local group have spent 300 hours here. That's over 900 Ciaran, at least try and get the black and white facts right.

One of the key moments is described as a filing cabinet toppling over during a vigil. Although this was a vigil where people were wandering around the room like a pensioners coach trip - coincidence? Ciaran makes the point that someone could have bumped into the cabinet, and I listen with a feeling of relief that daylight has apparently restored Ciaran's objectivity. He also mentions the apparent cup throwing incident, and stresses how interesting it is that the event appears to occur in direct response to Yvette's calling out. Again, we are unfortunately shown no evidence to back this up which must render the whole incident as anecdotal. Ciaran asks if the event is paranormal or coincidental, presumably he cannot mention the third option, that the event is fraudulent - we know Yvette called out, and we know a mug was thrown. We have no evidence however about the timing of the two events or the initiator of the cup throwing.

Ciaran redeems his earlier performances by recounting the object throwing and door banging incidents from earlier, and stating that objective evidence is required, evidence that in Ciaran's view has not been obtained. He also makes the point that a large group conducted this vigil, whether he intended this to mean that it is impossible to watch everyone and therefore leaves the situation open to the possibility of fraudulent activity would only be speculation on my part. Ciaran also gets huge brownie points for pointing out that the events that the team were most excited about were completely different to any event ever previously reported at the location.

And so ends Most Haunted, Cammell Lairds.
Most Haunted - not even one of the best entertainment shows around.

And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse - MH extra!

Yet more - why didn't anyone warn me there was more?????

Yvie introduces the program by telling us that she and Ciaran have been to Cammell Laird before whilst investigating for their book (NB: with Para.Science). The programme then manages to show the only bit of film without Para.Science. Which is presumably why during every bang from the building, the pair get overexcited and ascribe some paranormal significance to something that is, I can assure you, simply what it sounds like - the banging of the doors. Ciaran also displays again his tendency to misinterpret light phenomena in the dark, something he really should know about, being a psychologist.

Stuart and Iain describe how they think the scary areas will be the offices in the shipbuilding hall, presumably having a psychic flash to the hysteria they will be part of the following night.

I'll skip the interviews, as they add nothing to the story except a growing sense of weary boredom.

Back to the upstairs drawing office, and David has trouble adjusting his sea-legs to the solid floor. He describes a playful character who's a bit bouncy. Presumably Graham bouncing down the road after being run over. Oh no, maybe not, he's apparently the office idiot, who switches the lights on and off and bangs doors. He also says the spirit may pop in with the "ghost groups" and "take the mick". Something the MH team should know all about. He died of a heart attack, but not in the building. Yvette describes two knocks or raps, presumably completely forgetting that the wind outside is "strong enough to blow you over" according to Karl, and the building is full of loose panels and open windows. David describes how the spirit swings from light switch to light switch. Ciaran then tells us how himself and Karl were trying to work out the light phenomenon, as the lights go on and off but there is no master switch, and each one would have to be switched on individually. He then mentions how it happened once to a group with a crew.

Now call me a cynic, but I cannot be in the slightest bit impressed by this astounding feat of psychic ability by David, and master deduction by Ciaran and Karl - the light phenomenon happened to Para.Science whilst filming with a BBC film crew, an event that was shown on BBC1. This is also documented in some detail on the Para.Science website, also Ciaran has himself been on many investigations at this location with Para.Science, so the history of light switching and door slamming is a very well known phenomenon. Null points for psychic/investigative ability, chaps.

Cue Stuart telling us that "if there's a prankster here tonight, me and Beattie will find it". Wonder how you're so confident about that then? (As if we didn't know!).

As If By Magic................

Another medium appears! Where did he pop out from, then?Bet his family were pissed off, sitting through an hour of the main programme - "I'll be on in a minute, honest mum". Relegated to the Extra show, Paul Hunt appears, hopefull to amaze and astound us with his psychic utterances. Okay, what have we got? A feeling of being trapped, his legs not operating in the way he wants them to, having no control over his legs - he's chanelling the pub over the road. Somebody who was so involved in their work they committed suicide because things didn't go their own way (mental note, check on Paul after show). There was apparently no need for the person to have killed themselves though, as everything worked out for the best. Well not really Paul, he'd killed himself, remember?

OK, now at the entrance to the shipbuilding hall, the one looking out over the slipway where the ships were launched. "I feel there was some kind of ritual here, taking place by men". Give that man a gold star, he's guessed that ships were launched from the launch ramp. Oops, no, he didn't mean that, he was picking up on a monk. Presumably a very wet and drowned one, as the Priory land is half a mile away, and the area Paul is standing on was a bay.

Part 2 of the Extra starts with a tedious insight into Karl and Yvie's relationship as Karl drags her into the building while Yvie stamps her foot and screams in a very Violet Elizabeth kind of way whilst pouting "I don't want to go there". Once upstairs, and the rest of the crew have appeared, Yvie hears banging from all around the room. But remember (as Yvie apparently hasn't), it is a very windy night. In fact, we normally wear hard hats when in the drawing office when it's windy, as tiles frequently drop from the ceiling in a very frighteneing but totally non-spooky manner.

Yvie asks David if "the guy who killed Graham" is definitely dead. David says he thinks he is, but does not sound very confident. He does however state that he "passed a very comfortable passing in a comfortable bed". Karl attempts to backtrack from earlier, and says the "killer" may not be the nasty bastard that they are making him out to be, it could just have been a mistake that he made.

Cath and David carry out a vigil, the boredom only punctuated by Cath's imagination conjuring up sounds within the windblown building.

The Summing Up

Ciaran again tells us the site has been investigated for over 300 hours. THAT'S 900, CIARAN!!!! And the team has just added 24 hours to it. I would dispute that fact, but maybe it's being pedantic.

David says come and visit.
Karl says he knows that people investigate, and he hopes they do it properly and do the place justice. I'm speechless by this point. But luckily the Para.Science reputation precedes us, and we have nothing to fear from an entertainment show.
Cath says come and visit.

So I probably should point out that the site is privately owned and has been recently sold for development, so you will not be able to visit, sorry.

"Cortina Man" is Found!

We can only assume that the MH research team may have been slightly lacking in their research for this programme, as a great deal was made during the show of the fact that one of the bosses was a hit and run driver. In fact, they specifically pointed out his office and the dates he was there. Fortunately for us, we all have numerous family members who worked at the ship yard and within a week of the show we had tracked down "Cortina Man". Who is not a very happy man at being branded a hit and run driver. We currently await his response to the allegations made during the programme.

AW, 2007.